why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
