I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
