Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
This baby is an asshole
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
My breath smells like gin and sadness
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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