I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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