My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
