Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Randomize
