I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
