just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
