i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Randomize
