a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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