Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
