the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
You pole danced in your parka.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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