I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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