My room smells like vodka and shame
I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
