i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I had to cum in my sink.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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