I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
