DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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