Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
