oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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