I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
