it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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