I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
