I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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