Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
