My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
