Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bondingš
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
You know itās going to be a rough day when you scream āGet fuckedā at your alarm clock
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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