My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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