On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
