OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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