Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
