tell your sister to shave her snatch
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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