need another drink. this is the easiest way
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
