fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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