The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Randomize
