I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
