Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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