i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
