Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
