Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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