so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Four minutes until I can fart!
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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