im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
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