Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
