Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
