Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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