i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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