I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Randomize
