I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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