my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Randomize
