No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
