I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
